Inebriation, A Cautionary Tale
by The Second Coming
Summary: [OneShot] Sirius discovers one of the many reasons why polyjuice potion and Firewhiskey ought never to be mixed and Snape gets the short end of the stick, yet again. One of the many moments the Marauders pretend not to remember.


**Title**: Inebriation, a Cautionary Tale

**Warnings**: Non-slashy slash. (Yes, it _is_ possible). Snape finally gets kissed, which is squicky enough that it does require a warning. Nothing radically graphic, I promise.

**Rating**: PG, Partially Gross, that is. (Or K+)

**Notes**: It was very late when I wrote this. That's my only excuse. Once again, prompt induced. This time's prompt: Snape's first kiss. My warped mind took that already demented prompt and made it a good ten times worse. Happy reading!

- - - - -

It was voted unanimously by the Marauders that polyjuice potion and alcohol did not mix. Under the influence of Firewhiskey it's hard enough to keep yourself straight, much less yourself as someone else.

It had been James' idea to break into the Slytherin's dorms, Sirius' to do it dressed as a girl, Remus' to use polyjuice potion (if you could call him having brought it up on a completely unrelated topic, and then having Sirius adopt it into "The Plan" his idea) and Peter's to get drunk, as it was (in his own words) "bloody nasty to have Sirius traipsing around as a girl."

But not just _any_ girl. Lily Evans.

In the end they all pointed fingers at the other three and swore they had nothing to do with it. At the time they thought it was a brilliant idea.

Lily Evans was one of the only people who got along with Severus Snape, and Sirius (as Lily) was going to do whatever was necessary to get into the Slytherin dungeons.

Lily (the real Lily) would be kept in the tower by Remus, and thus there was no chance of her walking in on herself. It was brilliant. It was bound to fail.

Sirius, (perhaps out of the horror associated with the discovery that by polyjuicing into Lily he got _all_ of Lily, even the girly bits), was rather drunk as he made his way down to the library to meet Snape.

He'd practiced talking like Lily all week to avoid slip ups, and as far as he was concerned nothing could possibly go wrong.

Snape looked up as Sirius sauntered into the library, the sides of his mouth moving almost imperceptibly upwards, a movement that, for Snape, passed as a smile. He acknowledged Sirius' presence with a nod and a cordial, "hello Lily."

"Hi," Sirius said, grinning, "Severus, I was wondering if you could do me a favour?"

Snape frowned. "That depends on what kind of favour you're asking for."

"I want to visit your dorm room," said Sirius, all his weeks worth of practicing subtle means to achieve his end long gone out the window, along with the empty Firewhiskly bottles.

Snape's eyebrows lifted in shock. "You want to see my _what_?" he hissed.

Sirius, beyond tipsy, giggled. "Your _dorm_."

Snape shook his head in confusion, partially to rid his view of a giggly Lily Evans, and to wake himself up from what was obviously a very strange dream.

"Why?" he asked, stupidly.

"Because I haven't before. I'd like to see yours. I'd show you mine, but boys aren't allowed."

Oh dear, thought Snape. But for some perverse reason, unbeknownst to him, he was fixated on the sight of Lily, giggling and laughing more freely than she had ever laughed before in his presence. It seemed like she was an entirely different person. Which, truthfully, she was. But Snape was blissfully unaware of that particular fact.

He blinked, then blinked again. This had to be a dream. real life didn't get this weird.

"Please Severus." She bent forward, fluttering her eyelashes at him. He suddenly noticed that her current position afforded him a rather nice view down her top. He felt himself grow warm at the thought.

"Lily I—" He paused, unsure what to say.

"Please." She scooted closer still. He could smell her now, a sweet mix of perfume, Firewhiskey, and odd masculine smell and something decidedly her own. He wondered briefly if Lily had been drinking. All the evidence did seem to point in that direction, and that _would_ explain the giggling. But, Lily, _drinking_? Lily Evans, the Gryffindor prefect renowned for handing in every piece of homework ever assigned on time? _Drinking_? Severus blinked again.

He tried to swallow, but found his mouth very dry all of a sudden. Lily Evans, the charming, vivacious red-head from Gryffindor who was kind to him when no one else was, the only one to treat him decently in that whole bloody house was sitting not two inches away from him, batting her eyelashes and _begging_ him to take her back to his dorm. Oh, bugger, was the only coherent thought Snape was able to manage.

He couldn't help it. She was right there, and he could still see down her top. He kissed her. For one heart-stopping moment she started to kiss him back. He could taste her now, she tasted mostly of alcohol, which left a bitter after-taste in his mouth. He didn't care. For the first time in his life he was snogging someone, and he couldn't give a rats ass how drunk they were.

Suddenly, Sirius realized what he was doing. Responding to the kiss was mechanical. He'd certainly done that often enough to know exactly what to do, even while massively inebriated. However, when the horrifying knowledge of _who_ he was doing it with (and the equally horrifying knowledge of who he was doing it _as_) penetrated his alcohol soaked brain, he jumped up and fled from the room. Good thing he was masquerading as a bloody girl, at least he could get away with fleeing like that and still be able to show his face in public the next day.

Silently Snape stared after her. He could still feel the pressure of her lips on his. Slowly, he began to get angry. How dare she? How _dare_ she lead him on like that, then shove him aside like yesterday's laundry? He slammed his potions textbook on the desk earning several reproving 'shh!'s from nearby Ravenclaws. Glaring at them until they quailed in terror, Severus Snape stormed from the library in an impressive display of swirling black robes.

- - - - -

In the end, Sirius was suspiciously closed-mouthed about why exactly Mission: Invade Mars (it had been Peter's turn to code-name) had failed. Lily, (the real Lily), was forever curious as to why her budding friendship with Severus Snape had ended so abruptly, and on such apparently bad terms. Snape refused to acknowledge her existence most of the time, and resorted to hurling insults when pretending she didn't exist wasn't an option. He was neither forthcoming nor reasonable when it came to Lily's attempts to patch things up, and after months of trying she finally admitted defeat. She suspected, deep down, that the Marauders were involved, but never quite found enough concrete evidence to prove it, and they certainly never deigned to confess anything.

The Marauders made a solemn vow never to mix Firewhiskey and polyjuice potion again (a vow they later violated on three different occasions, all to disastrous consequences), and Snape's first (and for a very long time _only_) kiss was with Sirius Black, of all people. Sirius still had the occasional nightmare about the event, and eventually after years of sharing his chocolate to "aid the post-traumatic stress disorder" Remus figured it out too. But they both decided Snape was better off not knowing.

- - - - -

_Finis._


End file.
